hEAR mE rOCK

.. the next person to ask me where I see myself in a year is gonna receive a swift slap to the face.

I don’t know..okay. I’m trying to figure it out, but I don’t know. So, if you could stop asking.. that would be fantastic.

I can deal with work pressure. I can handle financial pressure. I can take relationship confusion. I can accept failure. But when all of those things come crashing into one point.. apparently, I’ve shown this last week that I am NOT capable of remaining calm and in control.

But maybe that’s the idea.. I’m not supposed to be in control. When I’ve got things under my control, then I’m walking blindly because.. I don’t know the future. I don’t know who’s struggling, and needs to be encouraged. I don’t know where my finances are going to come from… maybe that’s why I don’t know. I’ve held onto my control so tightly it just slipped right out of my hand.

I started writing this 5 days ago. I’ve read and re-read the first three parts over and over with no idea what to do with it. It’s taken 5 days to figure out the idea. See in order for me to walk forward I can’t continue to fixate on what’s around me… I have to focus on what’s ahead… and on who’s controlling it.

And to focus on what’s ahead, I have to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing it.

I’m doing it because.. they need it. I fear that in the business of ministry we’ve forgotten to look at the people we’re ministering to. We’ve stopped looking in their eyes and being concerned with their hearts. We’ve forgotten that every person has a story and every person either is or has the potential to be a God story.

I would be remiss in my faith to not make every effort to make sure everyone knows. To make the knowledge available to EVERYONE. Whether or not someone utlimately chooses to follow Christ is between them and the father, but if they can’t choose because they don’t know … then that’s on me.

As my control of situations is painfully being stripped away… as my heart continues to ache… as my failures begin to kill my pride…I’m beginning to remember that I’m not doing it for a group. I’m doing it for individuals. Individual people with individual needs and individual pain. As much as it hurts for me to lose things I hold so dear, my suffering is “nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ for who’s sake I have lost all things.”

The same power that stood with David as he threw stones to defeat Goliath. The same power stopped Saul on the road to Damascus and guided him to change not only his name but his life. The same power that rested in the hands of Jesus Christ that healed the sick and raised the dead.

That’s the power in me. 

Obsessively, undeniably, indisputably.. that is what I’m about.

Regardless of our day, our feelings, our emotions or our circumstances. God is still great.

It would appear as though my generation has decided to treat God as though he were like a spiritual duct tape. A fix-all for whatever your problem. The ultimate solution. What could happen if we stopped trying to “make the sale” by pushing God like he’s about to go out of date. What if we actually just understood what God is about?

He’s about us. We’re not just his children.. we’re his creation. So, let’s stop wasting time arguing with each other about who’s right and who’s wrong. Let’s take some time away from focusing on whose performance is more “Christ-like” and let’s encourage one another when we need it and correct when it’s helpful.

This weekend I finished my first triathlon. Besides the fact I cried like a baby after I crossed the finish line, I found a very important principle throughout the race. Everyone.. and I mean everyone.. from the spectators to the life guards to the police directing traffic to the park employees.. everyone was encouraging me to finish. “Come on.” “You can do it” “You’re looking great” “You can see the finish” During that race, I didn’t need anyone to tell me that my swimming form wasn’t fantastic or I wasn’t riding the right bike. I needed to be encouraged. There’s a time for correction. As I go back into the gym to prepare for my next race, I can see the value of proper training and form. But sometimes we just need someone to remind us we’re doing good. A little push to keep fighting.

God is great. Even in our darkest hour, God is still God. Let’s stop acting God’s only good when we’re good. It’s a lie that has distorted an entire generation.

Encourage someone today. Even if you’re just trying to make things easier for them, sometimes we don’t need correction, sometimes we just need to know someone believes we can do it.

.. I’ll start posting more often when life calms down. What? That never happens? Crap.

But I digress. What if.. as a community of believers, we stopped working so hard on fighting against our “enemies” and started putting all of that effort towards building one another up? What if .. instead of focusing on telling all the people on the outside how to get in… we taught all the people on the inside how to go out?

Think about it.

What if… we spent as much time seeking out our own flaws as we do seeking others’ flaws? Would we grow as individuals? As a community? There’s instruction that’s necessary and sometimes we need those closest to us to show where we fall short, but it would appear as though the church has become a group of people who like to sit on the outside and judge what’s going on inside. It’s something we all say we hate.. and no one likes to admit they do it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

I am so overwhelmed at the thought of how much God loves me. Any doubt that I carry. Any questions that rise up. There’s that peace of God that surpasses all understanding that seems to squash everything else. I was reminded today that God “sees the depths of my heart. And he loves me the same.” My problems, my weaknesses, my insecurities and my bad habits. God doesn’t expect me to be able to cover those things. He’s not telling me to fix it .. then talk to him. He’s telling me to bring it to him and let him sort it out. There’s an amazing amount of security in knowing that I don’t have to rely on my own abilities to overcome my inabilities. That’s not how God designed it. He knew we would need a Savior.

I’m constantly reminded I’m being groomed for something big… something bigger than I could dream or imagine. It makes me different. It makes my thoughts, my struggles, my actions all different.

Now… I’m just waiting on the next step.

… very dangerous when I hear a very successful and well-known speaker says that they usually don’t bring scripture into their messages because they’re trying to reach the masses, and they don’t find it necessary.Then, who’s words are the masses following?

.. it would seem as though I put myself back in the desert. Not in a bad way. But I’m a firm believer in you can’t be on the mountaintop without walking through the valley. And life is nothing more than a series of mountaintops.. which in turn creates a series of valleys. I used to think that we had ups and downs with God because we’re emotional creatures.. and emotions are never constant. While that may be partially true, I’m beginning to understand the sentiment that you cannot fully appreciate the highs without lows.

Why the mass of geographical analogies? Because that’s the only way as a human I can begin to understand who God is. See the thing is.. God is on this whole other level… and while many may claim to understand him, the truth is we can only understand the parts of him he allows to be seen and only to the degree at which our minds can comprehend.

Have I lost you yet? It’s probably because you’re not walking down my road with me so you’re not seeing what I’m seeing. Let me show you what see…

If I look behind me I see the hill I just rolled down. I was up on the mountaintop, enjoying the fresh air, beautiful view, and I was that much closer to God. But through a series of events, I lost my footing and stumbled down to the valley. It wasn’t sin that brought me down. It was more just the circumstances of life. If I look down at my feet, I’m knee deep in swampy crap.. because that’s the lowest point of the valley. See I’d been walking around in the valley for the last couple weeks focusing on all the things around me that sucked. Only to discover that I wasn’t really watching where I was going, and I stumbled into the swampy crap and got stuck. So for the last couple days, I’ve stared at the swampy crap and wondered why it was there. Thursday was low. Friday was lower. Saturday was hard. Sunday was miserable. Then this morning something caught my attention. I looked up to discover that the swampy crap was actually the base of this big amazing mountain. No.. this is no ordinary mountain I’ve climbed before. The other mountains I’ve climbed look like small rolling hills in comparison to this Everest. No this mountain is going to be a long hard climb. But at the top of it I see something amazing. Something Godly. Something I can’t put into words. But I’m reminded my road isn’t ending in the swamp.

Did I overuse the term “swampy crap?” Probably. But that’s the best describer.

I’m surrendering.

If you love something.. or someone.. sometimes you have to let them go. While my head knows it’s the perfect thing at the perfect time, my heart still aches for the loss. But I know I haven’t lost them. I just put them in God’s hands.

In Proverbs we’re told to “guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life.” Now I ask the question, “Guard your heart? What does that even mean?”. And in searching for the answer I find this… your heart is where you store the wisdom you receive. As believers and teachers, it’s our job to take that wisdom and use it to give life to others. So our hearts are overflowing with life… but how do we guard it? Well you turn a few pages to Philippians and you learn that “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will GUARD YOUR HEART”.. Stick with me… How do you get that peace? The beginning of the verse tells us that we receive that peace when we are “not anxious about anything. But in everything by prayer and thanksgiving presenting our requests to God.”

I made some difficult decisions, and you may wonder how I could have peace. You can wonder because it’s that peace that surpasses all understanding.

That pretty much means… you’ll never get it

… my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone. This solid ground. Firm the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love. What depths of peace. When fears are stilled and strivings cease. My comforter. My all in all. Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone who took on flesh. Fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of life and righteousness. Scourned by the ones he came to save. Till on that cross as Jesus died. The wrath of God was satisfied. For every sin on him was laid. Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground his body laid. Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious day. Out from the grave he rose again. AND AS HE STANDS IN VICTORY. SINS CURSE HAS LOST IT’S GRIP ON ME. For I am his and he is mine. Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life. No fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me. From life’s first cry til final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. NO POWER OF HELL AND NO SCHEME OF MAN COULD EVER PLUCK ME FROM HIS HAND. Till he returns or calls me home. Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

This weekend, I had the absolute pleasure of serving the congregation on Easter morning. After so many years of acting like I cared about other people, it’s funny how God can change someone’s heart to be more like his. To be concerned and compassionate not just towards the people who need it, but towards those who I feel like don’t deserve it. As I stepped into service for a few moments Sunday, I stood in the back and listened to the choir sing “My Redeemer Lives.” That’s when I realized. EVERYTHING I do in my life, everything I work for every week, everything I am - is based on what happened on Easter 2,000 years ago. I’m not just celebrating a holiday. I was celebrating life. Jesus’ life, my life and the life that’s available to anyone who wishes to seek it.

As he stood in victory, sin’s curse lost its grip on me.

And I’ve heard A LOT of people recently make comments like “That’s how God is” or “Sometimes God does that.” As very limited minded humans, who are we to tell someone else what God is and what he isn’t or what’s he thinking or feeling. We can read the bible, and we can encounter him in our own way. But ulitimately, who am I to explain why God does what he does? Only he knows that. The only thing I can do love him and love others. And hopefully along the way, he’ll show me what love really is.

The last 3 weeks have been exhausting. After some soul searching, VERY emotional meetings, tearful conversations, angry prayers… I’m reminded that life goes on.What God has called me to do is different. So, now I understand that means the battles I fight are going to be different and there are going to be very few people around me who can understand what I’m experiencing.Redefine is the word God has used to help me understand what he’s called me to do. It’s my passion to redefine what it means to be a follower of Christ. Definition brings security. People struggle with Christianity because it’s undefined. We have allowed our relationship with God to be defined by emotion, and emotions are unstable. We define people by their clothes, how well they can catch a ball, what grade they receive on a project, how well their children behave, what kind of car they drive, the words they choose to speak, how they treat us, how well decorated their home is, how clean their car is, the places they go and the hobbies they practice.But what if we created a generation that defined people as valuable children of the Father? What if we cared enough about people to get to know them and then define them by who they are and not just what we see?Redefine yourself… Redefine your community… Redefine the world

.. and I don’t belong there… where do I belong? 

“If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world.” ~C.S. Lewis

My heart is hurting…

God created our bodies exactly the way a human should respond. Head over heart. Not that the heart is less important or less useful than the brain.. both are necessary for life. But when your emotions lead you… you end up out of order.

I find this most evident in my relationship with God. My emotions for that relationship are important. There is nothing like truly FEELING the love of the Father. There is nothing like the experience of the happiness of knowing I’m a chosen child of the King.

But when my emotions change (as they do SO often) I have to have the head knowledge of that relationship. When I don’t feel like God is in control, it’s important for me to KNOW that he is.So here’s what I feel…  I feel like I’m struggling. It’s almost like I can’t catch my breath. I feel alone. I feel passionate about what God has called me to do. I feel frustrated at the process at which my life changing. I feel so much love for a few people that I can hardly contain myself. I feel like the task in front of me is more than I can handle.

And here’s what I know… God is faithful. God  has a plan just for me. God has not forgotten about me. God has a love for me that I could not find anywhere else and that I can barely understand. I know that I’m forgiven. I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. God has provision for me spiritually, financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. I know that people change, but God is constant.

As a leader, it’s time I stop letting my heart go over my head. My head can’t forget my heart, but it has to be in control because my head is going to take me where I need to go next.

I’m daddy’s little girl, momma’s baby forever, a little sister who needs some protecting and Aunt Lindsay who doesn’t follow the rules. I’m a granddaughter trying to make her grandpa proud before he has to watch her from heaven. I’m an amigo, a biff and a Marjory Jane to some very special friends.  I am quite stubborn and incredibly honest. I’m tattooed. I’m not what’s normal. I’m a pusher of the limits. I’m a college graduate and a life experiencer. I’m a missionary, a challenger, an encourager and a preacher (sometimes from a stage). I’m a restaurant industry survivor. I’m a traveler by any means. I’m outgoing when I want to be. I’m trying to be an athlete. I’m passionate, and I’m calm. I’m a crier, but you’re not supposed to know. I’m a reader, and I’m a writer. I’m a thinker. I’m a go-getter. I’m a memory grabber and a moment enjoyer. I’m on a journey, and I’m finding my way home.

But most importantly….

I’m a daughter of God. I’m a chosen child of the king. I’m a follower of Jesus and a lover of the things he loves. I’m imperfect. I’m forgiven. I’m called, and I’m driven. I’m changing the world by changing myself. I’m reaching out to lift up those who think they’ve lost it all, and I’m a helper for those who can’t help themselves. I’m answering the call. I’m a servant, but I’m only mastered by one. I’m being poured out as quickly as I’m being filled. I’m a prayer. I’m questioning. I’m not always finding the answers. I’m loving the creation. I’m deserving of God’s best. I’m considering everything else a loss. I’m meeting him daily, and I’m learning to walk by faith.

I know who I am… do you?