I have a deep fear of commitment. It’s not that I fear what I’m committing to. I fear what I’m missing out on if I commit to something. It’s probably not uncommon, but it is a very real fear to me. It affects most parts of my life. I always play the “what if’ card. I don’t want to commit to that.. what if something better comes along…what if it’s not what I thought it was…what if I can’t changed my mind?.. needless to say, I’ve settled for staying put and not moving for fear of missing something.

It’s something I’m trying to change .. becoming more proactive and making decisions. The fact is .. failure is an option for me. If something fails in your eyes, does that mean God didn’t call you to do it? Success and failure are in the eyes of the beholder. I’ll take the failure if it means I’ve been obedient to what God called me to do. I believe many times people do something they believe God called them to d0, but when things don’t turn out the  way they thought they would they immediately question if they heard from God. Resistance doesn’t mean God didn’t call you to it. Success is not always measure in dollars or number of people involved. My commitment is not to success or failure. My commitment is to obedience.

I’m a sinner. I’ve spent my life making selfish and destructive decisions.  I’ve allowed my words to speak death instead of life.  But the thing I’m most ashamed of is not something I’ve done. It’s what I haven’t done.  It’s my apathy. It’s putting my own selfish comfort above the needs others. It’s a watching a world suffer and deciding the task is too large.  It’s waiting for people with needs to come to me, instead of going out and finding how I can help.

God’s love changed me. Jesus’ blood saved me. His spirit empowers me. His provisions are my security, and his grace is something I can no longer be quiet about. My faith is not just one I’m willing to die for. No.. my faith is one I’m willing to live for.. every day..in every situation.

On May 24, I realized I can no longer accept apathy as a part of my life.  For the next 12 days, God began to break my heart for the things he sees. The poor and helpless. The rich and alone. The exhausted. The worried. The desperate. The medicore. The lack of unity among his people.  As God broke my heart, he also reminded me of a vision he had given me several years ago.

I was living in Nicaragua. Week after week, I would watch teams of people of every age and every situation travel to that beautiful country. While the people were as different as the places they came from, one thing remained the same. They returned home changed. They arrived with the idea they could impact a community. They served and shared the love of our Savior with some of poorest people in the world. And it was life changing. With a changed heart, they were able to return to their own homes and make an impact in their own community. After seeing the three-fold benefit, God gave me a vision for missions that had been aside until last month when God gave my spirit that nudge to say, “it’s time.”

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m in the process of starting a non-profit company. Our vision is to provide a full missions experience and bring churches together to work for a common goal. As a company, we want to support missionaries and ministries around the world. We will start by planning two trips for 2010. One will be international and the other within the United States. The full missions experience goes beyond planning what will happen for that one week. We will have offer pre-trip informational meetings and fundraising support. We will also offer connections and ways to get involved in outreaches when they return home.

This decision for my life has not been made haphazardly. I can look back on the last 9 years and see how God has been preparing me for this . Since May 24, there has not been a day that I haven’t spent considerable time in thought and prayer over this. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t doubted it. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t been excited about it.

So, I’m going to do it.  I’m not naive enough to think that everyone will understand or support this. I know I will meet resistance because I know that there is an unseen battle, but I also know who wins that battle. The truth is… I have no idea what I’m doing . But I will dent the universe.  I know that God’s going to bring people to surround and support this company in areas where I don’t know what to do. I’m simply going to search for God’s heart everday and for every decision that needs to  be made. I’m asking that you would do the same. Join with me in prayer as I begin the journey with this company.

Be brave… “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9. God reminded them. He had already told them to be strong and courageous, but amidst their circumstances they needed to be reminded. BE BRAVE. Courage is not a result of a loud stubborn voice shouting over circumstances. Courage is when things are falling apart, and you don’t have an explanation and yet you still persevere. Courage is looking at all the pieces and saying, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” Let your faith be courageous. Be brave

Dream big… “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18. God was not created to live in the box you put him in. Let your faith know no limits. Don’t use reason as an excuse for why God can’t move. God is not logical. So fix your eyes on what is eternal. Dream eternally big dreams. Dream of a bettter world. Dream of a caring church. Dream of living in a way that puts a smile on God’s face.

Love sacrificially… “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this way. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8. It’s easy to say “I love you.” It’s easier to love someone who deserves it. But God commands us to love sacrificially. You may be willing to put your life on the line for your family or those closest to you. But would you lay down your life for someone who has hurt you? Would you sacrifice your posessions to show God’s love to someone who stole from you? Forgiving someone is a form of sacrificial love. No matter how much hurt they caused. No matter how much they stole. No matter the offense. God calls us to let it go. Loving sacrifically is not done often, but you will never be closer to God’s heart than when you show love in a way that costs you something to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Live simply….. Be brave. Dream big. Love sacrificially.

The 3 most overused phrases in my life in the last month…

1. “I’m going back to Carrabbas full-time for right now.” … This is the response to the ever so frequent question, “So what are you going to do now?” I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people concerned about my future recently. What’s funnier to me is the fact that the most common response I received was, “Oh well you’re still so young. You have so much ahead of you.” Thanks.. because at 23 I thought life was over . 

2. “That’s not going to help me fit into a bridesmaid dress in 6 weeks”.. The sheer volume of delcious food that has been offered to me is ridiculous. Unfortunately, I have the recurring nightmare that it’s December 7th and I have a $200 dress that I can’t fit into. So, believe me I’m making a list and December 8th shall be a day of gluttony.

3. “I don’t know”…  Sometimes I have just answered questions with it to avoid talking to people. But it’s a really a scary thing to admit. “What are you going to do now?” “I don’t know” “How are you going to pay for that beautiful new house?” “I don’t know” “Do you think they’re going to cut any more staff members?” “I don’t know” “What’s your next step in ministry?” “I don’t know” ” Are you going to leave Tampa?” “I don’t know” “How’s your family doing?” “I don’t know”…. those three little words that admit it’s out of my control. Those words that allow for uncertainty in what I’m doing. The idea that maybe I’m not the one who’s supposed to know… but… the peace of knowing I serve a God who does know… of knowing that just because things don’t seem to be in order doesn’t mean he’s forgotten about me… that peace… is beautiful. God makes things beautiful. Even the most painful, ugly and difficult things can be made beautiful when they’re a part of God’s masterpiece.

I’ve spent a better part of morning in prayer. Asking questions. I need to know the next step. I need to know what to do next.  I need to know who to talk to. I need to know where to invest time. I need answers

God said, “I just need you today.”

Does it matter where I’m “supposed” to be in a year if I forget what’s happening right now? Is it important who I’m going to be ministering to in five years if I can’t adequately reach the people around me right now?

It’s like standing out in an open field on a clear night and looking at the stars through a telescope. Sure, you can have an up close look at a couple stars through the lens. But what God wants you to do is sit the telescope aside, fall back into the grass and take in the whole scene… the millions of stars, the moon, the birds in the sky, feel the evening breeze, smell the grass…. Don’t be so focused on what you see through a narrow lens…. soak in EVERYTHING.

Today is what I have. So today is what I’ll take advantage of. Today is what I’ll be concerned with. I need to learn what I can.. today. I need to show love to whomever crosses my path.. today. I need to rest in the love of the Father.. today. I need to make sure those people I hold close know how much I love them.. today. I need to take one step towards my destiny .. today. I need to be broken to be used.. today. I need to honor my word.. today. How can I worry about tomorrow if I haven’t taken care of today?

Each day, I choose to be a part of life instead of wasting time trying to figure it out. God appears to show a blatant disregard for what we consider logical. So, I can waste time trying to explain it… or I can accept it. I can be consumed trying to discover that elusive “calling” everyone keeps talking about, or I can remember “the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.”

I can’t tell you who God is. I can’t define God for you. But God has given me a passion to communicate him in a way that let’s people discover who he is. It’s kind of like standing in front of a door. I can tell you my interpretation of what’s behind the door or I can find a way to open the door for you and let you discover it for yourself. Trying to figure out how to use that passion has left me so focused on the future I forget that God wants to use that passion.. today

Rambling? maybe… but things have never been so clear… now if you’ll excuse me… I have some things to do.. today

It officially happened. As of Thursday, I have officially been reduced to a part-time employee at Grace Family Church.

I’ve been unhappy there for a few months, but I continued to believe I was there for a purpose. And when the time would come that I was no longer being used, or learning what I needed to learn God would move me somewhere else. The truth is, for several weeks I have entertained the idea that maybe it was time to move. However, the comfort of having a steady income and benefits made it hard to walk away.

But now I’m being forced.

And surprisingly, I’m okay.

The thing is.. I don’t have to understand why I’m about to jobless. I don’t have to understand the timing. I don’t have to understand the circumstances. I don’t have to know what’s next or when it’s coming.

All I have to do is wait, and be ready to move when he says move. Pray for direction and when God shows me that direction… take that step.

The fact is.. my feelings are hurt. I’m scared, and I’m fighting bitterness towards the people involved. But all of those things are fleeting emotions, and God did not call us to live by our emotions.

I can’t be upset about this because my destiny is not determined by a group of men or an organization. My desitny is determined by God.

God, I am broken at your feet. I know that I have nothing to be scared about. I know that you provide strength through my weakness. I know that I may feel neglected right now, but I also know how concerned you are with me. I know that despite the fact I don’t understand this path right now, I can take comfort in the fact that you have not forgotten about me. You determine my destiny. You give me purpose. You provide. And all you ask is that I be ready. So God, I’m ready.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning how to fight. I suppose it’s the only disadvantage from the lifestyle I was raised in.

I come from a great family… a nice neighborhood… good schools… college education… trips and vacations… new cars…nice clothes…good food… lots of things.

Now, please understand, my parents taught me the value of things, and a good work ethic. Living overseas for several months taught me to be thankful for what I have. But the thing is… I never had to fight for any of it.

So here I am at 23 years old learning for the first time what it means to fight for something… what it means to be in the middle of opposition and still stand firm in what I believe…what it means to break stereotypes and overcome preconceived ideas…and it’s hard.

Part of me is so thankful I’ve never had to encounter this type of pressure before.. the other part wishing someone had told me that things will not always come so easily.

I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life fighting. I’m going to fight for the rights of people who have been silenced.

I’m going to fight the idea that censorship and uneducated people create the best group of followers. People need to be able to make informed decisions. They need the information.

I’m going to fight consumerism. This idea that says we make money to spend money. Let’s make money to survive, and what’s left over … let’s help others survive. I have absolutely no judgment towards having money, but my heart aches for those who have let money become their God.

I’m going to fight for the planet. One day this earth will be nothing but ashes to God. However, it is his creation so let’s offer some respect to it now.

I’m going to fight selfishness. The problem with selfishness is it’s rooted in ourselves.. and yet it affects EVERYONE around us.

Jesus was a humanitarian… and God is concerned with social issues. The closer I get to his heart the more I find his passion… and his passion is what lets me fight.

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. 9 Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice” Proverbs 31:8-9

Regardless of how long I’ve been a Christian. I’m still so humbled by what happened on the cross.

I used to hate doing things to “beautify” the cross. Until I realized that despite the blood, the pain and the violence that took place on the cross… what actually happened there was beautiful. 

It’s so beautiful I can still smile every time I think about how much love poured out with his blood

I’m feeling a bit beat down. Like instead of being empowered, my passion is being crushed more often than not. Haha.. it might sound extreme.. but it’s how I feel.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m slightly confused… and yet I can’t stop soaking in the beauty of the cross. 

If you’re near my office currently, you’ll probably hear this song on repeat… 

“This is my prayer in the desert. When all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need. My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire. In weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold. So refine me Lord through the flame.

I will bring praise. I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and he is here

All of my life. In every season. You are still God and I have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest. When favor and providence flow. I know I’m filled to be emptied again. The seed I’ve received I will sow.”

Yeah… it’s just SO beautiful…

Ahh… the prodigal son. He gets greedy.. leaves home.. eats pig slop.. comes back home.. big party.. blah blah blah.

But what about his brother? He stays home, works hard, can’t catch a break… and his little brother who’s been living the high life gets the party?

Maybe you can identify. You do everything right. You follow the rules. You work hard. And yet you end up watching the party for someone else. Unfortunately, I think that’s what has happened to a lot of Christians. Their sense of entitlement kicks in, and instead of celebrating when someone comes in, they want them to work just as hard to earn the acceptance.

Whether we admit it or not, we want people to earn it. Our pride wells up, and we want what we think we’ve earned. And we don’t think people should have blessings they didn’t earn.

The story isn’t just about the unconditional love of a father. It’s God reminding us that there will be opportunities for bitterness. When someone, who in our eyes, hasn’t earned something receives it. We have to remember none of us deserve grace. We don’t deserve to be blessed. We don’t earn it, and we can’t control it.

What we can control is how we respond. So, instead of screaming our injustices, let’s celebrate with our friends who have come home …

One week to help a thousand people see God better…

Put aside the petty.. selfish.. prideful.. insecure.. illogical…

Just put aside the crap. And help students see God. See I can’t adequately explain God to someone, but I can create an environment for that person to see him themselves. So, I’ll let go of my petty need to have what I think I need, and I’ll trust God to provide for me. I’ll stop acting like I’m good enough to deserve people’s respect, and I’ll humble myself as a servant to Christ. I’ll stop complaining that I’m not getting time to float a few laps in the lazy river, and I will thank God when I can stand in service and watch all the work come together and touch someone’s life.

Yeah.. that’s what I’ve got..