hEAR mE rOCK

The 3 most overused phrases in my life in the last month…

1. “I’m going back to Carrabbas full-time for right now.” … This is the response to the ever so frequent question, “So what are you going to do now?” I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people concerned about my future recently. What’s funnier to me is the fact that the most common response I received was, “Oh well you’re still so young. You have so much ahead of you.” Thanks.. because at 23 I thought life was over . 

2. “That’s not going to help me fit into a bridesmaid dress in 6 weeks”.. The sheer volume of delcious food that has been offered to me is ridiculous. Unfortunately, I have the recurring nightmare that it’s December 7th and I have a $200 dress that I can’t fit into. So, believe me I’m making a list and December 8th shall be a day of gluttony.

3. “I don’t know”…  Sometimes I have just answered questions with it to avoid talking to people. But it’s a really a scary thing to admit. “What are you going to do now?” “I don’t know” “How are you going to pay for that beautiful new house?” “I don’t know” “Do you think they’re going to cut any more staff members?” “I don’t know” “What’s your next step in ministry?” “I don’t know” ” Are you going to leave Tampa?” “I don’t know” “How’s your family doing?” “I don’t know”…. those three little words that admit it’s out of my control. Those words that allow for uncertainty in what I’m doing. The idea that maybe I’m not the one who’s supposed to know… but… the peace of knowing I serve a God who does know… of knowing that just because things don’t seem to be in order doesn’t mean he’s forgotten about me… that peace… is beautiful. God makes things beautiful. Even the most painful, ugly and difficult things can be made beautiful when they’re a part of God’s masterpiece.

I’ve spent a better part of morning in prayer. Asking questions. I need to know the next step. I need to know what to do next.  I need to know who to talk to. I need to know where to invest time. I need answers

God said, “I just need you today.”

Does it matter where I’m “supposed” to be in a year if I forget what’s happening right now? Is it important who I’m going to be ministering to in five years if I can’t adequately reach the people around me right now?

It’s like standing out in an open field on a clear night and looking at the stars through a telescope. Sure, you can have an up close look at a couple stars through the lens. But what God wants you to do is sit the telescope aside, fall back into the grass and take in the whole scene… the millions of stars, the moon, the birds in the sky, feel the evening breeze, smell the grass…. Don’t be so focused on what you see through a narrow lens…. soak in EVERYTHING.

Today is what I have. So today is what I’ll take advantage of. Today is what I’ll be concerned with. I need to learn what I can.. today. I need to show love to whomever crosses my path.. today. I need to rest in the love of the Father.. today. I need to make sure those people I hold close know how much I love them.. today. I need to take one step towards my destiny .. today. I need to be broken to be used.. today. I need to honor my word.. today. How can I worry about tomorrow if I haven’t taken care of today?

Each day, I choose to be a part of life instead of wasting time trying to figure it out. God appears to show a blatant disregard for what we consider logical. So, I can waste time trying to explain it… or I can accept it. I can be consumed trying to discover that elusive “calling” everyone keeps talking about, or I can remember “the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.”

I can’t tell you who God is. I can’t define God for you. But God has given me a passion to communicate him in a way that let’s people discover who he is. It’s kind of like standing in front of a door. I can tell you my interpretation of what’s behind the door or I can find a way to open the door for you and let you discover it for yourself. Trying to figure out how to use that passion has left me so focused on the future I forget that God wants to use that passion.. today

Rambling? maybe… but things have never been so clear… now if you’ll excuse me… I have some things to do.. today

It officially happened. As of Thursday, I have officially been reduced to a part-time employee at Grace Family Church.

I’ve been unhappy there for a few months, but I continued to believe I was there for a purpose. And when the time would come that I was no longer being used, or learning what I needed to learn God would move me somewhere else. The truth is, for several weeks I have entertained the idea that maybe it was time to move. However, the comfort of having a steady income and benefits made it hard to walk away.

But now I’m being forced.

And surprisingly, I’m okay.

The thing is.. I don’t have to understand why I’m about to jobless. I don’t have to understand the timing. I don’t have to understand the circumstances. I don’t have to know what’s next or when it’s coming.

All I have to do is wait, and be ready to move when he says move. Pray for direction and when God shows me that direction… take that step.

The fact is.. my feelings are hurt. I’m scared, and I’m fighting bitterness towards the people involved. But all of those things are fleeting emotions, and God did not call us to live by our emotions.

I can’t be upset about this because my destiny is not determined by a group of men or an organization. My desitny is determined by God.

God, I am broken at your feet. I know that I have nothing to be scared about. I know that you provide strength through my weakness. I know that I may feel neglected right now, but I also know how concerned you are with me. I know that despite the fact I don’t understand this path right now, I can take comfort in the fact that you have not forgotten about me. You determine my destiny. You give me purpose. You provide. And all you ask is that I be ready. So God, I’m ready.