hEAR mE rOCK

New resolutions. Reminders of old resolutions once made and quickly broken. Time off work. Time with the family. Looking back at another year passed… it’s time to reflect.

For the first time in 5 years, I can be a part of this reflection. I don’t have school to worry about. I’m not in a hurry to get back to work. I just have some time to myself.

I’m reflecting on the people who have come through my life. Some have been a gift from God… others have proved quite hurtful. All of them have helped me grow a little more.

I’m reflecting on the decisions I’ve made. The work that I’ve done. The fact that I can never go back. The things I believe God told me, but I’m aprehensive to say the least. I’m reflecting on my family. How much I love them, how much I’ve learned from them, and how much I just want to make them proud of what I’m doing.

I’m reflecting on my first message. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like God really used me. I need to find a way to let that happen every day. I’m reflecting on relationships. How I view them, how I value them and how I don’t always understand them.

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next. Before I was always looking to missions, graduation, new jobs.. there was always something to work towards. Now I’m just working, with no idea what’s coming next.

I’m beginning to think that I think to much. I over think situations to the point of making them unenjoyable. I want to live in the moment. I want to enjoy situations for what they are and not make them something else. I want to enjoy people for who they are because you never know when they may not be around anymore.

Okay, I’m going to sit with my grandpa.

No, it’s not about Christmas.
My grandfather is close to dying. His body and mind has been ravaged by Alzheimers and multiple strokes last week. He can’t carry on conversation. He can’t communicate very well, and yet tonight he taught me the most valuable lesson yet.
I sat beside his bed tonight reading the bible to help him fall asleep. He closed his eyes to listen to me tell him the story of Jesus’ birth. I was reading in Matthew where it talks about what Jesus will be called. As I was reading the verse that says, “and his name shall be called..” I paused to take a breath, and without missing a beat, my grandfather opened his eyes and said “Emmanuel.”
He can’t tell you what day it is, and yet he has hidden the word in his heart so well that it comes out of his mouth as naturally as breath.
I watched the NOOMA video Rain the other day. Rob Bell tells you that God wants to wrap you up in his arms and whisper to you as a father would whisper to his child. “I love you. We’ll get through this. Dad knows the way home. I LOVE you”
My grandfather is waiting for Jesus to take him home.. and I think I’m finally okay with it.
He’s worked his entrie to life to serve God, and now he’s just waiting to meet him. I’m thankful for these times to sit with him. I’ll miss him terribly, but I can rejoice along with angels that he’s finally getting go home.
Lord, let Papa rest in you. You’ve been holding him all along, but now I release him entirely to you. To your care. Provide comfort for our family. Allow him to come to you peacefully. Thank you for giving him to me.

“May you have faith in Jesus, but may you come to see Jesus has faith in you to become like him.”

Graduation.. New job.. Good-bye to precious family.. Hello to new friends..

I’m beginning a new chapter, and for the last three months I’ve been so wrapped up in all the “stuff” that I overlooked the changes that are happening. The questions I have are still unanswered. I’m still unsure about the next step. But I know where I am right now, and I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m content with the relationships I have and God is bigger than my insecurities. He doesn’t want to just take away the pain. He wants to give me unspeakable joy and peace. It’s a new chapter. For the first time, I don’t know what I’m looking forward to next. Last time I walked on the water with Jesus, I started drowning. I’m going to start walking out again, but this time I’m going to focus on his face.

Merry Christmas. I celebrate the day he was born because he was born to die for me.