Coping with loss..
…My grandfather has alzheimers. We’ve known for a while, but for the last year, it has been a steady decline.
My mom called the other day and said that he decided to write all of the grandkids checks and that I should check my mail. I was excited for a couple days. I only had $6 to my name, so the knowledge a check was on the way was sweet relief. Then Tuesday night as I was coming home from work, I picked up my mail. An enevelope addressed to me by my mother with a return address label for my grandma. Inside was a thank-you card, I laughed a little bit at the thought of papa in Wal-Mart choosing a thank-you card to send me. But as I opened the card, I found a harsh reminder of what the disease had done to him. He had scribbled “Aug.” then drew a line to nothing, colored in a box as though he was covering something up and there was the beginning of the sentence “The house is not..” That’s was it. I lost it. I burst into tears sitting in my car. Looking at that card, I knew I lost my papa.
He couldn’t write. He probably forgot what he was doing mid-sentence and just gave the card to my mom to send. He remembers who people are but if you talk to him for more than 5 minutes, he’ll just start having the same conversation over and over. He’s miserable. My mom moved him from the town he’s lived in for the last 70+ years to Nashville so she could help my grandma take care of him. After he couldn’t drive anymore they sold his truck, then earlier this year he decided he wanted a truck. So he bought a brand-new red truck and every other day or so my mom loads him up and drives him around. Usually, with no destination. He has a nurse that comes in the morning and at night to help get ready, and my mom just takes him with her wherever she goes.
I cried. I don’t deal with death well, and at first, I cried at the thought of him dying. Then I cried harder because I knew what we were dealing with was worth than death, it was suffering to death. He’s miserable. He’s angry. He’s probably really scared.
My papa was a man’s man. He taught us all how to fish. One time a horse tried to bite my cousin, and I saw him punch the horse hard enough that it ran away. He taught us all how to drive when we were like 10 years old. He bought us a 4-wheeler than got rid of it after my cousin flipped it in a field. I know how to drive a tractor, crack a whip and shoot a bb gun. He financially supported me for my first three years of college. He provided enough money for my tuition, books and even some to live on. He raised his family in a way that glorified God. He was a leader in church and in the community. Because of his faithfulness he produced a family of pastors, leaders, campus ministers, missionaries and music directors 
. We’ve all been blessed by my papa.
Physically, he’s still here. But I cry because I’ve lost him. I cry because I know he’s suffering and my mom is doing everything she can to help him. I cry because I think about my granny and how after 60 years of marriage, she’s going to lose her husband. I cry because I know how hard it is for my mom and granny to take care of him, but so is the love of a wife and daughter. I cry because he’s here suffering but I have to hold onto the hope that I know his eternal destination. Soon, he won’t have to suffer anymore and he will be in a place that he’s waited his whole life to be in.
I love him.
Welcome to the show..
Recently, I was asked to be a part of the creative team for our Jr. High ministry, 180. It seemed trivial at first, but as I was praying last week, I realized the weight of what I have been asked to do.
I’m supposed to support ideas, sermons, themes, skits, and videos to reach 500-600 middle school students every Friday night?? What if my ideas aren’t good? What if the kids don’t get it? It’s been 10 years since I was in middle school myself. How can I relate to something I don’t even remember that well? I wasn’t cool in middle school. Can I be cool now?
As all these thoughts rushed my mind, God was quick to provide some peace.
Good ideas are a dime a dozen. I have the knowledge of “cool” and “not cool.” I know what can grab the attention of a 13-year-old. We’re a mega-church with the resources and talent to get kids’ attention. The true task is not providing the entertainment for Friday night. It’s about taking their attention and helping them find Jesus.
Have we buried Jesus so deep in the music, skits and games that kids can’t tell the difference?
In the production of service, have we watered down the message of who God is and what Jesus did?
We’re dealing with a generation that is desperate. They’re desperate for the new thrill and the better high. They’re desperate for someone to invest in them. They’re desperate to cover up the pain they’ve encountered. They’re desperate to be noticed. They’re desperate to find that ultimate acceptance.
They are so desperate that they’re taking extreme measures to find an answer.
It’s our job as the creative team to grab their attention. But as pastors, staff, volunteers and student leaders, it’s crucial we understand the importance of what we do once we have their attention.
When we strip away the music, the lights, the funny videos, the gross games and the jokes, what we need to be left with is the message of a living God. Not some big guy in the sky no one knows. But the God that can change their lives and be an answer in their desperation.
We absolutely cannot underestimate the power of who God is. God will bless our methods, but we have to remember the ultimate goal. It’s time to disciple them as followers of Christ.
Our focus for September is small groups. Small groups are the opportunity for this discipleship. It’s our responsibility to bring them in and then to allow small group leaders to invest, teach and grow.
I don’t just want to tell kids about him. I want to help them find him.
Funny, now this seems a lot more difficult than just trying to entertain them.
Finally rested..
On Sunday, an issue from my past pushed things out of control.
I have always been really open about my struggle with alcohol and my partying past. But there has been more to my past that I’ve hidden. No one knew. I never thought I needed to share it because I thought had it under control. However, I discovered I never really dealt with the issue -I just suppressed it. I was ashamed. I felt completly crushed under the guilt of the addiction.
I wasn’t expecting this attack from my past. I had been knocked down and yesterday I didn’t feel like getting up. My mind was racing. I was praying, but I couldn’t find any relief.
Then I realized what God was trying to tell me. I kept this part of my past in the dark, but it was time to put it into light…
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9.
God called me out of darkness, and it was time for me to come out of the darkness completely. I was tired of battling alone, and I went to a friend. I let go of a secret I kept so hidden, and almost immediately, I felt relieved. I wasn’t ashamed. I was honest.
My last blog was about the process. This was part of MY process. God is working to purify me. Stripping down everything that keeps me from him. I needed to let God shine some light in my darkness. He can’t fix anything until we offer it up to him. It’s still a war. I only won this battle.
But I couldn’t help feeling victorious. Even though the war’s not over. This battle reminded me –I know who wins. The war was fought and won long before I was ever even thought of. It was won on a cross 2,000 years ago when Jesus Christ took on all the sin and shame for the world and fulfilled his ultimate purpose. Through the name of Jesus, I have been given all power and authority to conquer.
I sleep easy – because I know who wins.
